Learning How To Stop Being A Perfectionist When You Have ADHD

During most conversations about ADHD the condition is characterized by symptoms such as difficulty paying attention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. However, one lesser-known symptom of ADHD is perfectionism.

Perfectionism can manifest in many ways, such as struggling to completing tasks or projects because it feels like everything must be just right before moving on to the next step. This can lead to procrastination and avoidance behaviour, which only exacerbates their difficulties in completing tasks.

Perfectionists will also experience a great deal of stress and anxiety not only when it comes to their work but also personal lives. They may have unrealistic expectations for themselves or their relationships, and become easily frustrated when things do not go as planned. This can lead to laying blame and recriminations which spoil occasions like vacations, visits from relatives, parties, days out and school events.  

ADHD coaching has been shown to be an effective way to help those with ADHD and perfectionism learn coping strategies and gain greater control over their lives. Through coaching, individuals can learn how to break down tasks into manageable steps, prioritize their goals, and develop organizational skills. Coaching also helps individuals identify negative thought patterns that may be holding them back and work on cultivating more positive self-talk.

Coaches who specialize in working with clients who have ADHD and perfectionism understand the unique challenges faced by their clients who are stressed and anxious because they’re constantly dissatisfied with themselves and the people around them. It’s difficult for people with ADHD and perfectionism to let go, but building awareness can help a lot. Being aware that you’re being unreasonably precise lets you take a moment to step back and evaluate whether things are good enough that you, and everyone else can be happy with it?

Perfectionism can be both a positive and negative trait. On one hand, it can drive individuals with ADHD to aim for excellence in their work or projects. On the other hand, it can also lead to task paralysis, or the deliberate avoidance of tasks as mentioned above, due to fear of failure or not meeting high standards.  

If you have all the time in the world and unlimited resources then perfectionism at work can be an incredibly beneficial trait to have. Unfortunately most employers don’t have the budget or schedule for that kind of attention to detail, so you either need to know how to achieve perfection quickly, or know when “good enough” really is good enough.  

Perfectionism at home can be rough on everyone around you too. Entertaining will be incredibly stressful if you don’t think you can rely on anyone else to meet your exacting standards, consequently you have to take on the entire organisation and arrangement yourself. Organising family vacations is onerous if you have to do everything yourself, and do it to perfection. And what if you’re on an excursion during your trip and it doesn’t go the way you expected it to? Or one of the kids goes down with a bug? One little detail will ruin everything for the perfectionist. And because the perfectionist is upset and disappointed that feeling is transmitted through to everyone.  

So far it seems as if I’m blaming everything on the perfectionist. I’m not. I’m blaming everything on the perfectionism. So how can you stop being a perfectionist and start living a shambolic, happy, rewarding life!?

• 1 Be aware when you're being unreasonably precise
• Pay attention to the patterns and triggers of your perfectionism. Can you write them down so you can understand them better? Solidifying them in front of you can help you pin them down and tackle them better than allowing them to whir around in your subconscious.  
• 2 Be more positive
• Focusing on achieving perfection means constantly looking for the negatives in order to fix them. Instead, try to make a conscious effort to find everything that’s good in whatever it is that is occupying your perfectionism. For every imperfection you think you can see, find another thing which you are satisfied and happy with.
• 3 Give yourself permission to make mistakes
• Being able to be imperfect allows us to understand that it’s not the end of the world if things go a little bit wrong or we fail. We learn by our mistakes, so if we don’t allow ourselves or loved ones to make mistakes we’re preventing them, and ourselves from becoming better.  
• 4 Be more realistic
• If you set unreasonable standards for yourself and others you will always be stressed and disappointed because you’re working so hard to do something that it is impossible to achieve. Don’t only set a deadline, but introduce milestones as well. That means stopping when you get to a certain stage, appraising what you’ve got done so far and moving on. Each milestone should be easily achievable, in terms of time and quality so you don’t get overwhelmed or defeated.
• 5 Accept criticism and praise
• We all know criticism is hard to take, but praise can be too if we’ve not reached the level of perfection we’ve set ourselves. It’s easy to take the criticism personally, and think praise is mistaken or not genuine. Learning to accept them means knowing that professional criticism isn’t an insult or offense toward you, but an honest opinion of what you’ve got done so far and where improvements could be made to make your project better. Likewise, praise is a personal opinion and when you get it it is because that is what your co-worker or family member really thinks.  
• 6 Stop pressuring yourself
• Unless you’ve got an absolutely terrible boss then it’s likely that it’s you who is putting the most pressure on yourself. Give yourself a break! Give yourself the time that you need to see things through. If you need help don’t be afraid to ask for it, and remember that those who are helping you are just as imperfect as you, so don’t demand absolute perfection from them either.  
• 7 Focus on the end result
• If you can set an achievable, realistic end result or target outcome, a defined measure of success then you make it much harder for your perfectionism to bog you down. Once you’ve ticked all the pre-defined boxes you can put the project to bed, forget about it and move on to the next project.
• 8 Avoid procrastination
• If you have ADHD you’re probably already a chronic procrastinator. It’s part of the rubbish executive function that ADHD causes. If you allow yourself to procrastinate you’ll find that not only is perfection hard to achieve, but impossible to achieve in the time that you’ve left allotted for completion. Instead of procrastinating, break the job or project into its constituent parts, and do the most enjoyable parts first. It may seem to make sense to get the difficult or unpleasant parts out of the way first, but we’re trying to get you past procrastination! Start with the fun stuff and either you’ll be on such a roll that you won’t mind doing the dull / difficult stuff, or it simply won’t be that hard after all.  
• 9 Avoid negative influences
• Don’t compare yourself to other people, especially on TV or social media. It takes a production team great deal of money, an extraordinary amount of time, training and practise to get influencers and celebrities to look the way they do or to be able to create the things they create. They may live in perfect houses and have perfect partnerships but dig a little deeper. You’ll often find that they are deeply unhappy with dysfunctional families, they work ungodly hours, and they only look good thanks to a team of editors, producers and handlers controlling every moment of their lives and every frame or word of content that leaves their channel.  
• 10 Get help
• Dealing with any bad habit is hard, and when it’s so closely connected to a mental health issue, it’s clearly important that you get professional guidance and assistance. You wouldn’t expect to give up smoking or drinking without help, encouragement, and support, so don’t expect to give up perfectionism without someone to help. The stress and anxiety that perfectionism can cause you and your family is very much a health issue too. CBT, coaching or therapy are all options which will teach and develop skills and mechanisms which will help you overcome your perfectionism.

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